absence make heart grows fonder...

No, it never works for me... infact absence will only make heart grows tender, softer, blacken and eventually rotten... hehehe...

absence make hearts grows fonder... it always reminds me to one point in my life where i have to deal with absence in the most torturing ways ever. a week after my 15th birthday i've met with a boy to whom i thought will be my soulmate and will spend the rest of my life with him. I was so confident that he was the one until we were tested by a long distance relationship."balas la surat ni kalau tak sibuk" (20 years back sms and email , skype n facebook and whatsoever was not an option) i always end my letter to him this way...sound lame eh? .. like reply or not reply was okay.. i am your second priority and you can choose not to reply if you have some other things to do.. reply only if you have nothing to do... but the fact was more severe than that. I will spend my lecture lunch break , rushing back to the hostel TV room, a place where the letter were kept at the hostel...searching for my letter which was hardly be there everyday without fail.And after that, with the teary eyes, i would retreat myself at the back of the TV room building where nobody can find me, cried my heart out...a tortured long-distance relationship with his letter visited me one or 2 times in every quarter..dating not more than 5 times a year...and the rest of the time apart from that was just me , missing and guessing what he was doing everyday, was he sick or well, was he missed me ask much as i missed him..after 5 torturing years...i quit. The choice i ve made without turning back regardless of begging and promises to change... so that's it. I am the one of many who will turn a long distance relationship into a mere failure.. that's proven..

separuh jiwaku pergi

I really miss my significant half... encik datu mohd rithauddeen..cepatlah balik...another 58 days to go...

life with technology

how many will admit that facebook has control their life? not many i guess ... but infact it is.eg Breaking FB relationship is still as heartbreaking as breaking real relationship.Cursing and maddness in fb still bring the same effect as real cursing.life is so sophisticated everything you want other to know can be broadcast... revenge, hatred, angry has a very simple channel to be flowed...dosa kering pun lagi senang dapat.ways are much simple now but the effect is even bigger... everybody will know.

when my husband block my number from being able to dial to his number after an argument that we had, what cross my mind is what happen if i died at that time.. for example if i met with an accident and somebody try to dial his number using my handphone.. forever the person can never get hold of him and he will know that i have been dead maybe only after i have been almost rotten 7 feet under the ground.technology allows you to do many thing ridiculous and doesnt make sense ... sometime we act to satisfy our vengance without realizing the actual effect... technology is good ...only we must be wise to use it...

what triggers dream when it keep on come and go?

i have one dream or should call it nightmare(?) that keep on repeating for the past 15 years. I had it again last night. what actually triggers dream? i though we dream when we think about something too much... but honestly for the past recent years this thing never bother me as much as it did before... so what triggers dream when it keep on come and go and yet i dun give a damn about that matter anymore now. Many things are in my control and i control it well so far.why the dream never dissappear when the rain has washed away all the pain of yesterday?

2011-year of abandonment

it has been ages since i have time to really put my thought into words. tonight i really really cannot sleep and i totally blame deen for the teh tarik halia he brought back home after the meeting. coz of that my eyes are wide open till now.

this year i think i have abandon so many thing.... i scrap my stationery shop and put so much less focus on http://www.melur.com/ , infact i hardly update the website now and onhold the online plant shop until dunno when. I feel i cannot cop..my 24 hours seem so short while i have so many things to do...i have postpone my master thesis to another semester when i alreay finsh 80% of it... not a wise decision i guess but i need to give myself a room to breath. my little baby alisha is nearly 1 year now. she will be 1 year in another 20 days... i may say that she is the main reason why i declare this year as year of abandonment , but i have no regret on this. if i have to let go everything just to see my babies growly happily... i have no doubt to let it go... ( this is the basic motherly feel that im sure every mothers in the world wide world will have)

Open the heart

I always believe that time will always heal the pain. Sooner or later all the bitterness in life will fade over time.The only thing that i never know is how long? 10 years 20 years or forever? so i just wait and wait... for the time to wipe the pain away... but it never happen.

in the past recent years i was tested with the test that i always scare..i always afraid that it will happen in any point of my life... and it really happen. Thank You Allah, i am gratefull that i have passed it.When we are tested .. we become stronger..eventhough there are times when i woke up in the middle of the night, performed solah and ask my Creator to give me extra strength i neede to go through the test...to make me a better person and to forgive my ignorance. Though i never consider myself as religous( infact i am not at all...but still trying my best to be the obedient slave to my creator), i always come back to Him when i face any difficulties or obstacles in life( like most people do... remembering Allah during hard time only..:( ..

After all those years.. after countless days and nights of doa , for me to be able to forgive and forget and for the other side to forget forever...now i am proudly announce that i am officially heal. Yes!! i healed ...all the pain was gone.. i can forgive... and the most important thing is i can almost forget...sooner..soner... i will totally forget... i just realize that to forgive and forget is easy... the hardest part is to open my heart to do it.. to let go and stop dwelling to the past.it took me more than a decade before i can open my heart to let go..Alhamdulillah .. i never think this is possible... but yet its just happen.

why not me

There is a point in life when we will keep on asking why me?...why me? and why not other people.I have reached this point several times in my life of 36 years so far. First time when i was a kid.. life was so hard and i keep on asking myself ..why i was born to be me and not somebody else.many-many years later i changed the question to why not me? and i accept the fate by and by and try to manipulate it in a way that i can..and it make me stronger...
it was me because Allah only tested us when He know we can deal with it(somebody in my past use to say this).I was the chosen one.. all the test in life has bring me to be what i am now.I was choose to experience it myself so i would know how it feel... not just heard it happen to other people.
why lar i keep talking about this now.. thinking about my hubby will be leaving me for a training in US , with the 4 kids alone for 3 months actually scare me.. how i am suppose to live without him( with the kids around). Its not that the kids wont listen to me but they listen to their father more than to me.. its gonna be a really tough months for me .. and if i want to finish my msc by this year i need to prepare for the viva in May when he is away...
i was the choosen one cause i can handle it... ( need to repeat this to myself hundred times a day...huaaaaaa)

Life without a maid ( and 4 growing babies)

it's hard for me to find some times to jot anything down here. my life has been damnly busy lately , try to catch up with so many things ( i drop some of the things, with the hope to pick it up again when things get slow down). With 3 kids growing up and a baby at 'active' state , learn to walk now.. my 24 hours is really occupied.my master thesis has been left abandon for almost 2 months but i need to give myself some room to breath.

looking that this video sent to me by a friend ( don't know how true it is)i am glad that i follow my heart not to get any replacement for my runnaway maid. Allah knows what is the best for us. Eventhough my daily life is extremely busy now with the weekend just enough to settle all the pile up laundry, at least i am enjoying the tranquility of living the life just on my own with just my family without a stranger.

My Fb status for 2010

To err is human