How a dream shattered

how a dream shattered into pieces... why..

end of the year

salam all.... lately i am bz like buzzy bee.... with all the end of the year goals and milestone review... and total stocktake on the 3rd of january ..there is no other way we can end this year by having lepak time on the eve...with close colleauge or so.. like other years. this afternoon one of the engineers said to me... this year is the first time we end of the year working so hard until cannot go for any break all because of your stocktake... my stocktake??.... no...no...no.... its the company stocktake where i am the main incharge for  my area including my department which is material... huhuhu....when you talk about stocktake who else can be more scary than the manager of the material department where lies all the small little tiny piecepart including of transistors, capacitors , diods... all all the jargons...so basically that's it... my whole week gone with my eldest complaint " hari2 makan fast food...."... what to do everyday mama come back from work at 9:00 PM n above ony... she added... but the good thing when mama not cooking is i dont have to clean the dishes.... lazy girl...

so this is the end of the year... just notice that when we are older... changing of the year is not as much exciting as when we are young...maybe because walking downhill...faster towards our end of life... at this age of 37...i feel gratefull with all that i have... Praise Allah for all the gift in my life. Last weekend , sneaking out from the end of the year  bz schedule... i manage to went back to my hometown and accompany my father to his hospital appointment as usual.Looking at him at this age i just realize that i Love my parent so much and i always regret because i cannot be with them all the time.... hmmm...dun want to talk about this down side of my life.

so here i am... looking forward not as eagerly as year before to welcom 2012... i just hope that i still have many years to spent with my dear darling hubby in this life and spread and share all goodness in life with people around us... so ... nothing much ...good bye 2011.... welcome 2012...

universal studio singapore

hmmm...at last sampai jugak kami sekeluarga ke sini..tapi mak aih....ramainya orang bersusun..kata hubbyku yang dah pergi ke universal studio US ( kami belum lagi...:-() sama je ramainya orang ngan kat sana. kebetulan time kami pegi tu firstday cuti sekolah , semua tengah peghak nak bercuti.... kami beli tiket online so masa nak beli tiket tak dela kena beratur sangat...tiket untuk kami sefamily ( 2 adults and 3 kids ), baby tak kira ... ialah sing 300, masa tu exchange ialah 1 sing = myr2.5... kalau convert duit kita jadi 750 la... tapi the trip worth the money. kalau hari biasa tiket untuk adult ialah S 64, kalau weekend jadi S74.

hoh..masuk masuk terserempak ngan Marilyn monroe kat hollywood walk..tapi tak sempat nak tegur... lagipun malasla nak tegur nampak dia sibuk sangat bergambar sana sini...lepas tu nampak encik shrek...anak2ku punya la excited... tengah2 excited nampak shrek tiba2 encik frankestein muncul... lintang pukang lari bebudak tu. destinasi pertama kami : Far Far Away. nampak je dekat depan mata tapi memang far2 away la.... 40 minit beratur berlingkar2 macam pagar sesat kat depan istana Loard Farquard( betul ke eja nama ni?... kang kena murka pulak) kat duloc. terngiang2 lagu "Welcome tu Duloc such a perfect place " masa beratur tuh... panas beb... tapi baby cam ok je.. babanya yang penat dukung dia... dia cool je...masuk2 je kat dalam castle tu tetiba dengar guards or usher USS menjerit dengan kuatnya ..ingatkan apa..rupanya ada segerombolan makhluk tak sekolah yang potong q. ish..ish...aku tak paham betul dengan bangsa2 cam ni... orang ngan baby pun beratur cam biasa diorang yang cergas yang sihat walafiat muda2 semua tu lagi tak boleh nak beratur..selepas kena tengking dan marah depan orang ramai( padan muka diorang) akhirnya diaorang terpaksa beratur semula dari belakang . Bak kata the usher : ALL THE WAY BACK... huh puah hati...baru korang tau... harap2 bukan orang Malaysia... buat malu jer.. nampak cam bukan..nampak cam orang yang kalah bolasepak hari tu... hhuhhuh...moral of the story : DONT MESS with the Q

dalam far2 away kami tengok movie shrek 4D.Its really fun tapi lebih fun kalau duduk atas kerusi biasa sebab ada impact masa the carriage terbalik and bergerak laju tetapi memandangkan baba pegang baby kami duduk kat stationary seat . Seat ni tak bergoyang..yang lain pun nak ikut aku jugak ..pehal budak2 ni... pastu komplen2 tak best cam orang lain...( budak2 ..mesti nak duduk ngan mak jugak).yang bestnya show ni... boleh rasa donkey tu bersin terpercik kat kita... creepy giler masa kat graveyard tu rasa labah2 kena kaki kita... tak mo citer lebih2 la ... nanti korang pergi sendiri ye....then kuar kami tengok donkey life show ...quite fun...lepas tu bebudak dah lapar..check2 goldilock cafe tu halal..so kami belasah makan kat situ la...nak solat ,takde dedicated surau. so kami ambik wuduk kat toilet yang dekat ngan hollywood walk tu(ada satu yang ada air) then solat kat dalam loby yang dalam baby room tu (lupa lak nama dia apa)

lepas solat

Beris Lake Vineyard (Ladang anggur Tasik Beris)

Yesterday, we have spent time travelling up to Sik kedah to The Tasik Beris Vineyard. Here's some picture there. The story will come up soon when i have time...(**teethy smile**)
the vineyard is located in district of SIK in Kedah. more info at: Beris vineyardThe grapes was damn sweet and fresh. I think this is the most delicious grapes i've ever eat in my entire life ( hohoho....am i exagerating?). the young hand is also eager to grab the grapes. She ate a lot..she's the one who finished it.

Date to pick the grapes? hehehe...quite effective reminder

puding kastard laici

i just got this simple recipe from a fren. just try it out this morning for breakfast: you need
1. 1 can of evaporated milk ( any brand will do but i use ideal)
2. i can of lychee with the syrup,i cut the fruit into smaller pieces
3. 5 table spoon of custard flour( i used lady's choice)
4. 3 table spoon of swetened creamer ( i use teapot brand)

mix everyting in a bowl until all the flour dissolve.Heat it slowly until it is thickened.pour it in any mold , i use round cake tin, let it cold and cut it.

rain and thunder

plan B
I had this plan b roughly drafted in my mind since long long time ago. if someday mylife will turn upside down, if whatever i had plan in my plan A never turn as it should be i will work put on my plan B. Yep...it's good to have this plan B. At least if something wrong happens, i will not turn into depression state or losing my ways( hopefully). What worries me now is i keep on thinking about this plan B more and more lately. Last time i will think about this plan only when i was sad..dishearted or dissapointed but now looks like i keep on thinking about this everyday for the past few weeks...what had happened to me?

this is my plan B:
1. I m gonna drop everything that i hold, my position, my carier everything lah..except my kids
2. I m gonna sell everything i owned , my house , my car... my whatever i have at that time lah..
3. 1 m gonna run away from the place i lived.
4. i m gonna fork out every cents that i have in my accounts.
5. I m gonna buy a piece of land at a cold and high land.. ( no matter where)
6. I m gonna open a flower nursery and grow lots lots of flowers
7. i m gonna run a simple and quite life while raising up my kids
8. i m gonna take care of my parents and live together with them
9. i m gonna bring myself closer to my Creator and live a life till the day i die....

sayang itu untuk dirasai bukan sekadar ucapan... kalau sudah susah untuk dirasai lagi..mungkinkah maknanya ia sudah tiada?

stuck

some of the thing in life..just like a nightmare will keep hunting you no matter how much you feel you have been recover from... some of the dream( or nightmare)will just come and go as it like anytime it like no matter how much we ignore it... it just will come... and go

Asam pedas tumis

Its has been a while since last time i share my way recipe with u guys..yesterday i made an asam pedas ikan patin that turned out great... lagi sedap dari yang pernah i buat...hehehe... but actually i've left out 2 things that should be in asam pedas, the lemon grass and fresh turmeric ( kunyit hidup). Still it taste great... so dont worry it you dont have those 2 , you can still make a good asam pedas.

here is the original recipe for asam pedas ( my own) so i dont have a accurate measurement ( agak2 je)

1. a few potong of ikan , any of your like... ikan patin, ikan pari, ikan nyot nyot, ikan terubuk...all will do.
2. shallots and garlic..shallots should be more that garlics... dont put to many garlics.
3. Asam pedas essentials of fresh turmeric, lemon grass(serai), daun kesum( i use alot cause it eat the daun kesum... sedap),cili kering or serbuk cili any will do, tarmarind jus or air asam jawa and a lil bit of belacan if you like it.

how? shallots, garlics, serai, turmeric and chilies - finely pounded. heat the pan, pour cooking oil and fry the belacan first, then tumis all the pounded stuff until naik baunya... hehehe... then masukkan air asam jawa and daun kesum. bring it to boil.perisakan with garam and gula, then masukkan ikan , masak hingga ikan masak la...done

class of life?

 

Last weekend we when for a family day cum raya open house organize by my hubby’s company. there i met somebody that what i called full of class. The way she talk is something that cannot met my humble style…like we are talking a different language.. yaaa… she’s a country director for the company, but i have met a few of her type previously in my life..(hehehe… i’ve live long enough..) but never i feel awkward and down to earth when i spoke to them. But this one is totally different. may be its unintended but… yup… i felt pity for her… it must be tough  for her to mix around with people from lower class…gulp… class?…rank? kasta? do we still have it in our society? hmmm… no matter how much we deny it… it’s still there..

then my hubby come and asked me why i did not talk much with her… i said the language is different and i prefer to talk to somebody that speak the same language..at that time i was having a conversation with one of my hubby’s  colleague’s  wife. she said… why ? both of you should talk the same language… both of you from manufacturing field… ye… but different position… i reply…

 

it reminds me to a question from somebody at my workplace to one of the engineer… kak **** tu cuma kawan dengan orang kelas dia je ke?  the engineer reply: mana ada kak **** tu very humble… tengok la kan kan dia kawan dengan saya… saya bukannya kelas dia pun… than the engineer said to me…now u know how people see you… hmmm…what people dont know is..i was always mistaken to a manufacturing operator by many people who dont know who i am…

 

got class or no class one shpuld always remember that : Apa yang penting disisi Allah adalah iman dan takwa…that’s what will determine our class in Allah’s perspective…

hmphhh...

"tak banyak yang mama mintak..cuma dengar la apa yang mama cakap" this is what i said to my eldest daughter this morning. Looking at her, eventhough she is not that bad... i feel i have failed. she is not a not good kid.. she obey me... or at least she tried to.. but sometime dunno whether my expectation is so high or how... i always feel that she failed me...

absence make heart grows fonder...

No, it never works for me... infact absence will only make heart grows tender, softer, blacken and eventually rotten... hehehe...

absence make hearts grows fonder... it always reminds me to one point in my life where i have to deal with absence in the most torturing ways ever. a week after my 15th birthday i've met with a boy to whom i thought will be my soulmate and will spend the rest of my life with him. I was so confident that he was the one until we were tested by a long distance relationship."balas la surat ni kalau tak sibuk" (20 years back sms and email , skype n facebook and whatsoever was not an option) i always end my letter to him this way...sound lame eh? .. like reply or not reply was okay.. i am your second priority and you can choose not to reply if you have some other things to do.. reply only if you have nothing to do... but the fact was more severe than that. I will spend my lecture lunch break , rushing back to the hostel TV room, a place where the letter were kept at the hostel...searching for my letter which was hardly be there everyday without fail.And after that, with the teary eyes, i would retreat myself at the back of the TV room building where nobody can find me, cried my heart out...a tortured long-distance relationship with his letter visited me one or 2 times in every quarter..dating not more than 5 times a year...and the rest of the time apart from that was just me , missing and guessing what he was doing everyday, was he sick or well, was he missed me ask much as i missed him..after 5 torturing years...i quit. The choice i ve made without turning back regardless of begging and promises to change... so that's it. I am the one of many who will turn a long distance relationship into a mere failure.. that's proven..

separuh jiwaku pergi

I really miss my significant half... encik datu mohd rithauddeen..cepatlah balik...another 58 days to go...

life with technology

how many will admit that facebook has control their life? not many i guess ... but infact it is.eg Breaking FB relationship is still as heartbreaking as breaking real relationship.Cursing and maddness in fb still bring the same effect as real cursing.life is so sophisticated everything you want other to know can be broadcast... revenge, hatred, angry has a very simple channel to be flowed...dosa kering pun lagi senang dapat.ways are much simple now but the effect is even bigger... everybody will know.

when my husband block my number from being able to dial to his number after an argument that we had, what cross my mind is what happen if i died at that time.. for example if i met with an accident and somebody try to dial his number using my handphone.. forever the person can never get hold of him and he will know that i have been dead maybe only after i have been almost rotten 7 feet under the ground.technology allows you to do many thing ridiculous and doesnt make sense ... sometime we act to satisfy our vengance without realizing the actual effect... technology is good ...only we must be wise to use it...

what triggers dream when it keep on come and go?

i have one dream or should call it nightmare(?) that keep on repeating for the past 15 years. I had it again last night. what actually triggers dream? i though we dream when we think about something too much... but honestly for the past recent years this thing never bother me as much as it did before... so what triggers dream when it keep on come and go and yet i dun give a damn about that matter anymore now. Many things are in my control and i control it well so far.why the dream never dissappear when the rain has washed away all the pain of yesterday?

2011-year of abandonment

it has been ages since i have time to really put my thought into words. tonight i really really cannot sleep and i totally blame deen for the teh tarik halia he brought back home after the meeting. coz of that my eyes are wide open till now.

this year i think i have abandon so many thing.... i scrap my stationery shop and put so much less focus on http://www.melur.com/ , infact i hardly update the website now and onhold the online plant shop until dunno when. I feel i cannot cop..my 24 hours seem so short while i have so many things to do...i have postpone my master thesis to another semester when i alreay finsh 80% of it... not a wise decision i guess but i need to give myself a room to breath. my little baby alisha is nearly 1 year now. she will be 1 year in another 20 days... i may say that she is the main reason why i declare this year as year of abandonment , but i have no regret on this. if i have to let go everything just to see my babies growly happily... i have no doubt to let it go... ( this is the basic motherly feel that im sure every mothers in the world wide world will have)

Open the heart

I always believe that time will always heal the pain. Sooner or later all the bitterness in life will fade over time.The only thing that i never know is how long? 10 years 20 years or forever? so i just wait and wait... for the time to wipe the pain away... but it never happen.

in the past recent years i was tested with the test that i always scare..i always afraid that it will happen in any point of my life... and it really happen. Thank You Allah, i am gratefull that i have passed it.When we are tested .. we become stronger..eventhough there are times when i woke up in the middle of the night, performed solah and ask my Creator to give me extra strength i neede to go through the test...to make me a better person and to forgive my ignorance. Though i never consider myself as religous( infact i am not at all...but still trying my best to be the obedient slave to my creator), i always come back to Him when i face any difficulties or obstacles in life( like most people do... remembering Allah during hard time only..:( ..

After all those years.. after countless days and nights of doa , for me to be able to forgive and forget and for the other side to forget forever...now i am proudly announce that i am officially heal. Yes!! i healed ...all the pain was gone.. i can forgive... and the most important thing is i can almost forget...sooner..soner... i will totally forget... i just realize that to forgive and forget is easy... the hardest part is to open my heart to do it.. to let go and stop dwelling to the past.it took me more than a decade before i can open my heart to let go..Alhamdulillah .. i never think this is possible... but yet its just happen.

why not me

There is a point in life when we will keep on asking why me?...why me? and why not other people.I have reached this point several times in my life of 36 years so far. First time when i was a kid.. life was so hard and i keep on asking myself ..why i was born to be me and not somebody else.many-many years later i changed the question to why not me? and i accept the fate by and by and try to manipulate it in a way that i can..and it make me stronger...
it was me because Allah only tested us when He know we can deal with it(somebody in my past use to say this).I was the chosen one.. all the test in life has bring me to be what i am now.I was choose to experience it myself so i would know how it feel... not just heard it happen to other people.
why lar i keep talking about this now.. thinking about my hubby will be leaving me for a training in US , with the 4 kids alone for 3 months actually scare me.. how i am suppose to live without him( with the kids around). Its not that the kids wont listen to me but they listen to their father more than to me.. its gonna be a really tough months for me .. and if i want to finish my msc by this year i need to prepare for the viva in May when he is away...
i was the choosen one cause i can handle it... ( need to repeat this to myself hundred times a day...huaaaaaa)

Life without a maid ( and 4 growing babies)

it's hard for me to find some times to jot anything down here. my life has been damnly busy lately , try to catch up with so many things ( i drop some of the things, with the hope to pick it up again when things get slow down). With 3 kids growing up and a baby at 'active' state , learn to walk now.. my 24 hours is really occupied.my master thesis has been left abandon for almost 2 months but i need to give myself some room to breath.

looking that this video sent to me by a friend ( don't know how true it is)i am glad that i follow my heart not to get any replacement for my runnaway maid. Allah knows what is the best for us. Eventhough my daily life is extremely busy now with the weekend just enough to settle all the pile up laundry, at least i am enjoying the tranquility of living the life just on my own with just my family without a stranger.